So I've had a recurring ongoing dream for the past two weeks. Wait, let me start this off by saying I'm a stupidly skittish person. I freak out over everything and always think somebody is coming to get me. There, I have a phobia of people hurting me. Anyway, the dream has always been the same, someone breaks into the house while Joe isn't there and I shoot and kill them. It's insanity and the person I kill is nobody I know. Just some short haired teenage kid.

I think a large part of this crazy dream thing is I have been reading about some of the senseless violence in the world. I just don't understand how people can get off on hurting others. I mean like serial killers, they just do it over and over and over again. Each time I'm guessing giving them some sort of high.

Then there is my thought process, which is I really don't care about the end result of things. It's good to know, like x+y=b. I'm happy to have B, but I really want to know why x+y added together equals B. That make sense? Probably not.

So I read about the murders and I'm not happy enough to know that they were brutally killed, I want to know how. I want to know from the second they were caught to what caused their last breath. It's not just human murder that this thought process applies, its my whole life. I have almost majored in math at college; yet it got so boring to me at the end. I didn't care about writing papers on why the end result works. That doesn't interest me, I want to be working the workings of the result.

There have been a few that I have come across that just haunt me. In this day and age of everything being recorded I've come across some things I just can't unsee. I don't want to know that, I like reading it on paper. Paper you have a detachment from the emotions that you would have if you were actually there. You are only reading the document but not having to watch the act.

I also don't understand what has happened to respect in this world. I respect my elders and wish no harm onto them. I try for the most part to stay out of their way and let them live their lives. If they want me there, fine, I'll be there. Otherwise they have final say. How can young punks just hurt or blantant disrespect for their elders? ??? I don't understand that at all. It's like they missed something growing up and that may be failed family structure. I do not know, I just know it makes me sad.