Thoughts

I didn't go see Dodge yesterday. I was totally going to, then I realized that I will be down there on that side of town today. I really didn't want to use that gas twice. The stall will be uber gross when I get there today, but that's why I'm 25......

So the last few days me and Buck have been running outside. It's been awesome and yesterday I actually made it a full 20 minutes without stopping! I haven't done that in months! Suprisingly I feel fine! Buck is happy to be getting an extra cup of food every day and I'm happy to be getting exercise. I question why I ever stopped running... its such a stress realiver.

Don't read any further if you hate sad shit:

So I get back from running and start walking around the back yard trying to cool down al ittle before I go inside. I had my little Sony Bean (sadly, they quit making those) on and listening to the radio. The song "Cowgirls Don't Cry" came on. I started thinking. Oh Shit. The wedding is coming up on me really fast. I have no idea what I should be doing because I'm awesome like that.

I started thinking about my dad though. About all the shit he dragged me through, all the blaming games we did, and his total abandonment on the family. But, there is still a very tiny part of me that still loves him. Still remembers hugging him when he got home from work. Still remembers him when he was in his right mind.

I wanted last night to write him a letter. To basically tell him where I'm at right now in my life and while I wish he was there at the wedding, how I just can't do it. I almost did it. I was >< that close. I couldn't though. The letter would turn into a major emo fest and then where would I be?

I love my father so much, but the hurt that I've endured throughout the years isn't worth it. He comes back into my life only to walk away again. I know that by writing him, I may get a response of like 2 weeks. Only to be let down again when he quits contact. I'm tired of chasing people around to get attention. I really am.

I miss you Dad.